The Mary Sues of Middle Earth!
by Shadani
Summary: What happens when the Orcs we know are actually Mary-Sues? What if they're after the people of Middle Earth for one reason? What if three girls discovered it and went to tell everyone? This Parody tells it. Don't read if you like Mary Sues.


Ok, so I don't own the Lord of the Rings. J. R. R. Tolkien does. I only own Ashley, Crystal, Mikaila, and myself. Well, I don't own them – they're the people who he doesn't own, you know.

If you didn't know that, would you be here? Anyway, this is a Mary Sue/Fan girl Parody. Hope you like. Please review, constructive criticism is fine, but I'd prefer you didn't flame me for making my characters of animals Mary Sues. These people are based on my friends and I, and those are our real names. We look like that, and I didn't make us in anyway different. Mary Sues belong to everyone, if you choose to write them, and this is just a fun parody I wrote for people to enjoy. And now, I present to you: The Sues of Middle Earth!

"Dan-iiiii!" a voice whined from beside me, shaking my arm and pointing at the sky. I opened my eyes, expecting to be in my room, but was instead staring up at the sky. My friends Mikaila and Crystal stood beside me. I blinked twice, and dropped to the ground. Crystal was shaking me violently, as if the evil that was orcs were surrounding us.

"What happened? Did I fall asleep and miss the movie?" I asked feeling rather faint. We were just recently watching the Lord of the Rings movies in my house, which was a big reward for having been made read them all two years before. Besides, being sixteen and bored was not healthy. Either was slacking off by watching your favorite movie – but studying could've waited until later!

"No." Mikaila said, placing a hand over Crystal's whining mouth. "She" She shrugged her head towards Crystal "Was jumping on your bed to tear down that Legolas Poster of yours, and... you slipped off the bed. You were sleeping, though. And then Crystal reached down to grab you and everything, but she pulled my hand and I knocked us all off. Thanks, _Crystal_. We wouldn't have been... knocked out... or whatever, if you hadn't been being such an idiot."

Crystal glared for a moment at Crystal, and then kicked a pile of dirt. "Where are we, anyway?" she asked, shading her eyes to look for something familiar. "Is that a pile of corpses?" She asked, pointing out in the distance.

"That is so sick." I groaned, rolled onto my back, still lying on the ground.

"Talk about hygiene." Mikaila muttered, raising an eyebrow as I rolled around in the dirt. I lifted myself up with my arms and glanced around; then finally mouthed the word 'sorry' as I rose to my feet.

"Oh my God..." Crystal said before grabbing Mikaila and my arms, from what I could tell, she was leading as to the dead bodies. I started dragging my sneakers in the dirt in protest.

"I don't want to see the dead people!" I yelped, struggling to get away from her. But, of course, Crystal was stronger and taller than I was. My refusals were absolutely nothing, being the small, scrawny girl that I was. I stared at Mikaila, who was walking beside Crystal with absolutely no worries.

"Orcs." Crystal said, pointing down at the creatures. "They're Orcs." She said. This was obviously so, because they bore the exact same resemblance to the creatures we were watching in the Two Towers a moment ago. "I think we're in a movie." She said.

My face was pale, tinted green now. Mikaila rolled her eyes as if it was a supposed to be a joke, and with her hands on her hips stared around the open area. "Right, so where are the cameras?" She asked in sarcasm.

I saw Crystal go red, but as she was standing behind a pile of dead orcs, I didn't look at her very long. "I'm not joking. If we had a horse right now, I'd be able to show you what I mean."

"Well, what about that white one?" Mikaila asked, jerking her thumb in the direction of a large stallion, looking down upon us from far away. I knew who that horse was, and I wasn't going to take a chance with him. I checked to see if my friend knew who she was talk about, but she was quite certain looking. I clicked my tongue and eyed the creature again.

Crystal opened her mouth to speak, but I beat her to it. "Are you insane? Ride that horse? That's Shadowfax – I'm not even going to try to ride that horse." I replied with my arms crossed over my chest. Mikaila threw her hands up in defeat, the horse still overlooking us. It was not until we sat down on the ground again that the hose turned to leave, but we were not sure when he had left, thinking of a plan to prove that this was actually the Lord of the Rings. This took hours of thought, for none of us had ever been put in this situation before. I certainly hadn't, anyway.

"Sweet sardines!" Crystal exclaimed, pointing at the pile of dead Orcs. One of their faces was slipping off! I smirked at the exclamation she thought was 'cute' and though it wasn't, Mikaila burst into a fake giggle.

Then I noticed what she was watching, and my face paled as the face of a dead orc fell off. However, it was what was under the face that sickened me. It was the most horrible, repulsive thing I'd ever seen. It was a Mary Sue. Her skin was pale, with a sheet of silvery blonde hair falling to her waist. Her eyes were large and violet colored, with thick and long eye lashes I'd never seen before. Her lips were a rosy red, and she looked all around perfect. Beside her, the face of another orc slipped off. A girl with hair the color of blood bay fell in curls to midback. Her face was, yes, pale, but sprinkled with barely noticeable freckles. Her lips thick and pink, and her eyes were large and honey colored, and when all of the orc faces finally slipped off, I officially wanted to vomit.

"Wow, they're pretty. Why would anyone want to dress up as someone so ugly when they were so beautiful?" Mikaila asked. I was going to take a wild guess.

Kicking off all of the orc bodies and armor from the dead girls, I started to speak of my theories. "Well, I guess they're Mary Sue Fan girls." Blank stares came to me. "I mean perfect people who kill the canon." More stares. "I mean stories where original characters fall in love with the story characters, and the girls are perfect in everyway. And fan girls... they're insane and obsessed over the characters." I told them more clearly, and wiped my hands on my shirt.

"Let's check for survivors." Crystal said, kicking the head of the girl who was on top away. I didn't pity any of them. That's when I heard a girlish cry for help.

"Whoa." Mikaila said, kicking away a few of the bodies as she found the girl who was pleading for attention. "Who are you?" she asked, pulling her out of the pile.

She paused to straighten out her clothes, a beautiful white dress, before she spoke. "My name is Ashley Greenleaf." I opened my mouth to complain, but shut it. "I'm married to Legolas... or so I was told." She flipped her chestnut hair over her shoulder. "Anyway, I and a group of his fiancés joined together to form the orcs – Original Race Concerning Sues, otherwise known as Orcs. We take our sorrow out by help bad people by like, you know, burning places... killing people... Legolas, for instance." She replied in a huff.

"Anyway..." She dropped to her knees, her green eyes shining with tears, tugging at Mikaila's shirt, sobbing, but her eyes not swelling as mine would have. In fact, none of these girls looked like we did. I had short, shoulder length dirty blonde hair, and the living proof blonde hair and blue eyes didn't make you beautiful. I was short, had a few freckles on my face, and had thick brown eyebrows. Mikaila had brown hair that was mid-back and brown eyes. She was also a bit larger boned, but she didn't appear fat at all. Crystal was the best looking of us, but not by much. Her mid-back strawberry blonde hair was usually bushy and tangled. Her eyes were brown, and she had freckles all over her face. She was tall and thin, and had many boyfriends in the past, but she was nothing like these girls. Mikaila and I never had boyfriends. We weren't good looking, and swore we'd never wear makeup. Crystal advised us to not, as it was bad for your skin.

Back to when Ashley was crying.

"Oh!" She sobbed. "Spare my life; I am the only one of my group still alive! I will give you anything you want, but please do not kill me!" She shouted out. Right when I was about to ask for one of those beautiful dresses, Crystal hurriedly said:

"Any three living horses will do, we need them—"

"That is already being arranged! I owe you my life for sparing my own." She curtsied, and snapped her fingers. Three horses arrived. "Oh, did you see Shadowfax earlier? He's always running away from me..."

"That's why he was here?" I asked aloud, which was not my intentions. The girl nodded anyway.

"I can ride him, you know. He doesn't seem to enjoy it very much, but when you have thirty or forty violent girls surrounding you, you don't have much of a way to get out, you know?" I nodded, but in my head was thinking 'Shouldn't you be dead?' The three horses that showed up were quite beautiful. I was the experienced horse-woman, and I wanted dearly to ride the black mare that stood before me, although Crystal was already mounted by the time I stepped forward.

Mikaila stroked the muzzle of a palomino stallion, which was a bit taller than the mare, but looked a whole less friendly. He shook his white forelock from his brown eyes and allowed her to mount him. The last horse of them was a bay stallion, tall and thin. I could see some ribs on him. Assuming he was simply old (he was rather lively, pawing the ground and side-stepping); I lifted myself to his back. By now I was proud of the creature, who I could tell was as fast as I pictured he was, even if I already knew he was uncomfortable.

"Do you have any blankets or saddles or anything?" Mikaila asked, gripping the mane to keep herself aboard.

"Nope, sorry ladies, you have to ride on his back." She said, and grabbed her orc mask. "Now where did that horse go...?" she thought out loud, and walked off into the opposite direction.

"So, what's your plan?" asked Mikaila to Crystal.

"We need to find Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli anyway... we need to warn them these Orcs that they are fighting are mortals. And it'll prove where we are, and it's not called 'The Lord of the Rings' here, it's Middle Earth. We're going to fight the Janie Sues—"

"Mary Sues." I corrected.

"—and we're going to do it the Middle Earth way." She said, and led our group off to find Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn. Assuming I'd later get to meet Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry, I was quite looking forward to killing off all of the Mary Sues in Middle Earth.

Author's Note: Anyway, that's chapter one. I hope you have a basic idea of how my idiotic friends and I are going to slay the Sues, Middle Earth style! Chapter two will be up soon enough. I'd like a coupe reviews before I type it up, though. Also, I'm perfectly aware Greenleaf isn't a surname. Why else would someone 'open their mouth to complain'?


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